2009-03-02 Joke

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Der Unterschied zwischen Arzt und Mönch?
Der Arzt hat das HeilSerum. Der Mönch hat ein SeilHerum.

Verächtlich für “schwarzer Hamster”?
Nager

pasta / antipasta
[en] If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
[de] Würde man pasta und antipasta essen, wäre man dann noch immer hungrig?

taxes defined
A fine is a tax for doing something wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing something right.

Importfrüchte
Herr und Frau Müller gehen über den Markt und bleiben an einem Obststand stehen. Dort werden exotische Früchte angeboten, darüber hängt ein Schild Import. Erklärt die Verkäuferin: “Die werden eingeführt”.
“Siehste”, sagt der Mann zu seiner Frau, “du hättest sie wahrscheinlich gegessen.”

2009-02-23 Joke

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Why do ducks have webbed feet?

To put out forest fires…

Why do elephants have big flat feet?

To put out burning ducks!

2008-11-12 Joke

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keine Nazi DJ’s

Warum können Nazis keine DJ’s werden?

Sie können nicht zwischen 33 und 45 unterscheiden.

2008-04-04 Joke

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2 muffins

Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, “It’s really hot in here!” The other muffing looks at him and yells, “OH MY GOSH TALKING MUFFIN!!”

2008-03-11 Joke

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A math and a physics major
A math and a physics major were closed each into a cell without any food, except for a can. After two weeks, in the physics major’s cell there was a whole wall filled with formulas, a mark on the ceiling and an empty can. In the math major’s cell there was a wall filled with formulas, a closed can and a starved math major.

An ion walks into a bar
An ion walks into a bar and says “I think I left an electron here last night.” So the bartender asks “Are you positive?”

2008-01-14 Joke

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Two blondes were going to Disneyland

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road. The sign read: “Disneyland Left.” So they went home.

2007-11-28 Joke

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A man on an airplane smoking a cigar

There’s a man on an airplane smoking a cigar. He’s just chillin’ there, smoking his cigar when a flight attendant comes over to him and says “Sir you can’t smoke on this aircraft, you’re going to have to put that out”

And the man goes, “Aw man can’t I just finish this? I’m almost done.”

She says, “No I’m sorry sir you’ll have to put it out.”

The man then opens a window on the airplane and throws out his cigar. While he’s doing this he see’s a duck flying by the window.

He thinks to him self, “A duck? What the fuck is a duck doing up here.”

He decides to forget about the duck and close the window, and then he just goes about his business and soon enough the airplane landed at it’s destination.

As the man walked off the plane he saw the duck again. And guess what was in the ducks mouth.

It was the fuckin’ brick!

2007-11-05 Joke

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Treffen sich zwei Beamte auf dem Flur

“Na, kannst auch nicht schlafen?”

2007-10-31 Joke

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Two stings walk into a bar

Two stings walk into a bar. The first string says, “Bartender, I’d like a beer, please.”
The second string says, “And I’d like a oasiw5957iljafi0987)^&^$^%$%^$@^%CUIHKJ CORE DUMP”
The bartender says, “What’s up with him?” and the first string says, “Oh, please pardon him, he’s not null terminated.”

Diary of a russian soldier

Day 1: I walk. Beside me walks my happy company. In front of us we see a girl. So we raped her. It was a happy day.
Day 2: I walk, before me walks my happy company, in front of us we see a dog. So we raped it. It was also a happy day.
Day 3: I walk, behind me walks my happy company. It wasn’t a happy day.

2007-09-28 Joke

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A pirate walks into a bar

So, a pirate walks into a bar. And the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel sticking out of his pants. And so the bartender says, “Hey, buddy, doesn’t that thing hurt?” And the pirate replies, “Yarrrr! It’s drivin’ me nuts!”

2006-11-20 Joke

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A pepper on your head

Svenska [sv]
• Varför har du en paprika på huvudet?
• Jag har det varje tisdag.
• Men det är ju måndag idag.
• Oj, folk kan ju tro jag är knäpp!

Deutsch [de]
• Warum hat du eine Paprika auf dem Kopf?
• Das mache ich jeden Dienstag.
• Aber heute ist Montag.
• Au, die Leute könnten denken, ich hätt’ ‘ne Macke.

English [en]
• Why do you wear a pepper on your head?
• I do it each Tuesday.
• But today it’s Monday.
• Whoa, people may think I’m weird!

2006-10-17 Joke

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programmers / shampoo

Deutsch [de]
Warum brauchen Progammierer immer alles Shampoo auf, wenn sie sich die Haare waschen? [xx]
English [en]
Why do programmers always use up all the shampoo when washing their hair?

[de] Weil in den Verwendungshinweisen steht: spülen sie ihre Haare, tragen sie etwas Shampoo auf, waschen sie, spülen sie, wiederholen sie
[en] Because the usage instruction says: rinse your hair, put some shampoo, wash, rinse, repeat

categories: [CategoryProgrammers? programmers]

2006-10-13 Joke

How do you start a footrace in Israel?

Roll a penny down a hill!

2006-09-03 Joke

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a dalmatian dog. The children started to discuss the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he is just for good luck.” Then a third child brought the argument to a close…“They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

2006-09-02 Joke

possible answering machine texts:

• My wife and i can’t come to the phone right now, but if you’ll leave your name and number, we’ll get back to you as soon as we’re finished.
• This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name and your number and your reason for calling…and I’ll think about returning your call.
• Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is john’s refrigerator. Speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
• Hi. Now YOU say something.
• Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave a message, and if I don’t call back, its you.
• Hello! If you leave a message, I’ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I’ll call sooner.

2006-08-24 Joke

One morning a patient arrives at a doctor’s surgery complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him “What happened to your back?”

The patient replies “You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. I went in and I knew someone had been with my wife, and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door but no one was there. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running away and dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him…That’s how I strained my back”

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor says “My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?”

He replied, “You know I have been unemployed for a while now? Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and woke up late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won’t believe it, but I was hit by a fridge.”

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, “What the hell happened to you…?”

“I was hiding in a fridge and someone threw it from the 3rd floor”

2006-08-13 Joke

Letters On Chest

[de] Eine junge Frau geht zur Untersuchung zum Arzt. Während sie ihre Bluse auszieht, bemerkt er ein rotes “H” auf ihrem Brustkorb. “Wie kam es zu diesem roten “H” auf ihrem Brustkorb?”, fragt der Arzt. “Oh, mein Freud ist an der Harvard Universität gewesen und er ist so stolz darauf, dass er nie sein Harvard Sweatshirt auszieht, selbst dann nicht, wenn wir uns lieben”, antwortet sie.
[en] A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red ‘H’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

[de] Einige Tage später kommt eine andere junge Frau zur Untersuchung. Während sie ihre Bluse auszieht, bemerkt er ein blaues “Y” auf ihrem Brustkorb. “Wie kam es zu diesem blauen “Y”” auf ihrem Brustkorb?”, fragt der Arzt. “Oh, mein Freud ist an der Yale Universität gewesen und er ist so stolz darauf, dass er nie sein Yale Sweatshirt auszieht, selbst dann nicht, wenn wir uns lieben”, antwortet sie.
[en] A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue ‘Y’ on her chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

[de] Einige Tage später kommt eine weitere junge Frau zur Untersuchung. Während sie ihre Bluse auszieht, bemerkt er ein grünes “M” auf ihrem Brustkorb. “Haben sie einen Freund in Michigan?”, fragt der Arzt. “Nein, aber ich habe eine Freundin in Wisconsin. Warum fragen sie?”
[en] A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green ‘M’ on her chest. “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor. “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?”

2006-07-29 Joke

“So how do you find the London?”

“Oh, it’s pretty easy. Got on a boat in New York, get off in Southampton, got on a train to London, you can’t miss it.”

“Excuse me, I’ve got an impression that you poked my eye with your umbrella, kind sir”

“Oh, I’m terribly sorry”

“Don;t mention it, I still have the other eye left”

I’ve heard old man, you buried your wife last week?

Yes, I had to. You know, dead.

Q: When is a duck?

A: Because one of its legs, are both the same.

2006-07-25 Joke

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.

Looking stunned, he said, “What?”

2006-07-24 Joke

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, I like both.

Both?

Engineer: Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.

2006-07-21 Joke

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!” She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up.” After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! my hands are really freezing!” She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.” He does, and again that warms him up. After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!” She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

2006-07-18 Joke

How do you kill a circus?

Go straight for the juggler.

2006-06-17 Joke

The wedding date was set and the groom’s three pals, a carpenter, an electrician, and a dentist, were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed.

The dentist wouldn’t commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and, a few days later, each of the groom’s buddies received the following note:

DEAR FRIENDS,
WE DIDN’T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SET BACK. BUT I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I’M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!

2006-06-01 Joke

read the writing at the wall

Some came here to shit and stink
other came to sit and think
but I came here to scratch my balls
and read the writing at the walls.

Found by Otto, A’dam

• [toilet jokes]?

2006-05-26 Joke

sadomasochism

Said the masochist to the sadist, “Torture me!”

Said the sadist, “No!”

2006-05-21 Joke

mental asylum

During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No.” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.” Do you want a room with or without a view?

Bush in a school

George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers to answer some of the children’s questions. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

“Bob” he says.

“And what is your question, Bob?”

“I have 3 questions…

First… Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second… Why are you resident when Kerry got more votes? And third… What happened to Osama Bin Laden?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right, it’s question time. Who has a question?”

A different boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

“Steve” he says.

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“I have 5 questions.

First… Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second.. Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third… What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth… Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And fifth… Where’s Bob?

advert

Send your girlfriend to me and get a free child. Hurry! Lucky buyers will win twins.

smoking

Smoking reduces your life by 5 minutes. Sex increases your life by 10 minutes.

Conclusion: a fucking smoker never dies!

doctors

Teacher: What do you want to become? Pupil: A doctor Teacher: Why? Sam : Because its the only profession where you can tell a woman to take off her clothes & ask her husband to pay for it.

a Sardarji kidnaps a child

A Sardarji was living in poverty. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”

The Sardarji wrote a note saying: “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the city playground”.

Signed: “A Sardarji”.

He then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree. The boy was sitting next to the bag. The Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:

“How can a Sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji? Take the money, and please leave me my son.” Signed: “Another Sardarji”.

[sardarji jokes]?

2006-05-17 Joke

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.“Tarzan not know sex,” he replied.

Jane explained to him what sex was. Tarzan said, “Oh,…Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.”

Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have it all wrong,…but I will show you how to do it properly.” She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. “Here” she said, “you must put it in here.” Tarzan removed his loincloth showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer, and then gave her a mighty kick right in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed: “What in the hell did you do that for?”

Tarzan replied, “check for squirrel.”

2006-05-15 Joke

your momma so fat when she walked down the street i thought it was a earthquake

2006-05-14 Joke

Wie nennt man jemanden, der unverheiratet ist?” - “Ledig, Herr Lehrer.” “Und jemanden, der verheiratet ist?” - “Erledigt, Herr Lehrer!”

Fritzchen muß zur Strafe 100 mal schreiben: Ich darf meine Lehrerin nicht duzen. Als er die Strafarbeit abgibt, staunt die Lehrerin: “Fritzchen, warum hast du es denn 200mal geschrieben?” Fritzchen strahlt: “Weil du es bist, Frau Lehrerin!”

Englischunterricht. Es sollen Sätze mit “Timbuktu” gebildet werden. Rüdiger: “My father and me went to Timbuktu”. Lehrer: “Na ja, nicht eben fantasievoll, aber sonst i.O.” Thorsten: “On our holidays, we travelled to Timbuktu.” Lehrer: “Na ja, etwas besser aber immer noch etwas farblos.” Carsten: “Tim and me to Brisbane went, where we met some girls in a tent, they were three and we were two, so i booked one and tim booked two.”

“Warum mußtest du denn heute nachsitzen?” fragt der Vater. “Ich habe mich geweigert, jemanden zu verpetzten.” “Das war doch nur fair von dir.” meint der Vater. “Um was ging es denn?” “Der Lehrer wollte unbedingt wissen, wer der Mörder von Julius Cäsar war.”

Die Lehrerin fragt Hänschen in der Schule: “Wenn auf einem Ast fünf Vögel sitzen, und ich schiesse einen herunter, wieviele sitzen dann noch auf dem Ast?” Hänschen: “Keiner, weil alle nach dem Knall davonfliegen” Lehrerin: “Fantastisch, ich mag die Art wie Du denkst!” Hänschen: “Da hätte ich aber auch eine Frage an Sie, Frau Lehrerin: Drei Blondinen sitzen an der Eistheke und essen ein Eis. Eine lutscht ihr Eis, eine saugt an ihrem Eis, eine beisst in ihr Eis. Welche ist verheiratet?”. Die Lehrerin errötet verlegen und sagt dann ganz leise: “Ich glaube, es ist diejenige, die an ihrem Eis saugt…” Hänschen:” Nein, es ist diejenige, die den Ehering trägt, aber ich mag die Art, wie Sie denken!”

Professor sitzt in der Mensa und ißt. Ein Student setzt sich ungefragt ihm gegenüber. Etwas verärgert meint der Professor: “Also, seit wann essen denn Adler und Schwein an einem Tisch?!!” der Student: “Ok, dann flieg ich halt weiter.”

Am Anfang der Klausur sagt der Professor: “Sie haben genau 2 Stunden Zeit. Danach werde ich keine weiteren Arbeiten mehr annehmen.” Nach 2 Stunden ruft der Professor: “Schluss, meine Damen und Herren!” Trotzdem kritzelt ein Student wie wild weiter. Eine halbe Stunde spaeter, der Professor hat die eingesammelten Arbeiten vor sich liegen, will auch der letzte sein Heft noch abgeben, aber der Professor lehnt ab. Blaest sich der Student auf: “Herr Professor! Wissen sie eigentlich wen sie vor sich haben?” “Nein…” meint der Prof. “Grossartig” sagt der Student, und schiebt seine Arbeit mitten in den Stapel.

Fragt Peter den Lehrer: “Was heißt das, was Sie mit roter Tinte unter meinen Aufsatz geschrieben haben?” - “Das heißt: deutlicher schreiben!”

Die Lehrerin sagt zu Marie: “Marie, dein Aufsatz zu dem Thema -Unsere Katze- ist fast wortwörtlich der selbe wie der deiner Schwester.” Antwortet Marie: “Ist ja auch die selbe Katze!”

Kennt auch jemand einen Satz mit Bochum, Köln und Saxophon? Ein Hund Bochum die Ecke um zu pinKöln, da sah man seinen Saxsophon der Seite.

Ein Satz mit Sperma und Vorhaut?
Sperr’ma’ die Oma mal nach hinten, damits sie beim Bremsen nicht so vorhaut.

2006-05-11 Joke

cookies

There was a guy on his motorcycle in a ice cream parlor.He was so fat that you cant see the bike. The two guy teenagers behind him were making fun of him. After about a minute he turned and said “What the fuck is your problem?”

The teenagers said “Why are you so fat?”

Then he said “ Cause every time i fuck your momma she give me a cookie.”

posters

yo momma is so fat doesn’t take pictures she takes posters

bowling ball

yo momma is like a bowling ball u pick her up u fuck her and u throw her in the gutter

[momma jokes]?